The salesman who said February’s the best time to buy a paddleboard
had a nice smile and was around my son’s age.

I wanted to hug him for his mother who was probably not,
at that moment, thinking how lovely he is.

I had paddle boarded once on Cochiti Lake.
It was like floating on sunlight.

There were no sharp edges.
The lake was boundless.

The lake was gentle.
It was the life I longed for.

It was the life I longed for
for my son.

I want to focus on the distance while slipping past it.
I want my balance back.

I want to lift my eyes to the sky
without going under.

I want to float while on bended knees.
I want to stand on my own two feet.

If only the wind would take me away.
When I unclench my fist, the wind will take him away.

When I fall, the water will release me over and over.
I want to be brave enough to float again.

With something solid beneath me,
I will throw his name into the air.

I will move through the water toward an absence that is everywhere.
Nevertheless, I will move through the water.

Julia Paul

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